Part 4
"Testies, Testies, One, Two"

That Monday morning I went back to the doctor's office. I met with Dr. Williams again and she had a big list of tests waiting for me. The first of them weren't that bad. "Have you ever drank before? Do you smoke? Are you sexually active? Have you done drugs?" I passed all of those tests with flying colors. The next test, however, caught me off guard. "Alright Cliff", Dr. Williams said. "I want you to take off all of your clothes and put on this robe." ALL OF MY FREAKIN CLOTHES?!? What is she going to do to me? I have never enjoyed getting naked for anyone. That's probably why I never played football or some other sport. Just the thought of someone putting their cold fingers on my "two friends" and making me cough gives me the chills. But she wants me to take ALL of my clothes off. She left the room and I did what she told me. She's the doc, right? Other than that thin piece of cloth they called a "bathrobe", I was "butt naked". Dr. Williams came back in the room. "Good. Now I want you to lay down on this bed." I did what she told me. "Let's take a look here..." Dr. Williams then gave me a full body examination. She would tap every section of my body with two of her fingers. I guess she was looking for some kind of sound. I don't know. All I know is that I was butt naked on a doctor's bed with some old lady feeling me up. Next, Dr. Williams went to "the forbidden zone". This wasn’t like in gym class when the teacher merely puts two fingers under “the family jewels” and tells you to cough. No. Suddenly my “two best friends” were being moved around like they were a pair of ancient Chinese meditation balls. “OK”, she said, “I’m done now”. When I walked out of the room my mom, who was waiting, asked me “what happened?” I guess she knew that something major happened. “I’ll tell you on the way home”, I said. On to the next test...

The next major test (I had already gotten an X-ray, blood work, and other miscellaneous tests done) was in the ultrasound room. I asked my mom, “Why do I have to get an ultrasound?” She shrugged her shoulders. After sitting in the waiting room for a couple of minutes they called my name. “Mr. Colon? We’re ready for you.” Too bad I wasn’t ready for them. They took me into another room in the back. In that room there were two older ladies waiting for me. “Alright Cliff, I need you to take off you pants and underwear and sit on this table.” CRAP! I thought they had seen my nuts enough! They left the room for a minute and I did what they told me. They came back into the room and got to work. One of them grabbed a bottle of something, poured a little of it on her hands, and came towards me. “Alright, this is going to feel kind of cold”, she said. She then rubbed this “stuff” on “my stuff”. And she was right. It WAS cold. After I was all lubed up her sidekick brought out the ultrasound machine. She grabbed these two pieces connected to some wires and put the on my testies. I could see everything that was going on in the little monitor that was close by. She moved it to different places to get a better view. “Alright, this is getting in my way. I need to move it somewhere. How about if I tape it right...... here.” She taped my schlong to the side of my leg. Back to work! Both of them seemed like they were having a great time and were telling each other stories. I think they thought it would relax me. “Have you ever been to Montana Cliff? I went over there a couple of months ago. I went to this restaurant and they had these little deep fried balls on the menu. Do you know what they were? Cows nuts!!!” I just about threw up. I was sitting in a room with my pants off, two old ladies playing with my jelly coated balls, my schlong taped to the side of my leg, and listening to stories about eating cow nuts in Montana. After the test was over I got to leave. I was going to have another bad day tomorrow. Tomorrow I would start my chemotherapy at 8:00am. I had trouble sleeping that night. That night I had a bad dream that I was sleeping in my bed and the two nurses were trying to sneak in and cut off my nuts so they could eat them.

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